The last point in my Ambient Abuse 1 blogg was that despite being conditioned by a partner to live in an anxious state almost permanently, you LUUUV your partner.
I use that word to
differentiate from the word LOVE your partner, because many people in
this kind of controlling environment have the symptom of LUUUV. That
is, they cannot escape – and could not visualise life without their
controller, so they justify accepting such abuse by the continual giving
of their love and attention. Their LUUUV keeps them going. It's a sort
of complex Stockholm Syndrome. The longing for a fulfilling
relationship, the release from their feeling of unease is viewed as
their problem, their weakness by themselves. With more love, with more
attention, or better pleasing of their partner, things will get better
again. Things will change back to what it was like when they first met
and LOVE will return.
The controller in such a
relationship probably has no idea how devastating their behaviour is.
They would not see it, even if it was pointed out to them. They are
unaware often of how they set in place the background for triggering a
continuous anxious response in their partner. Often the controller in
such relationships is arrogant and self righteous, but not purposefully
'evil'. The victim sees the situation as their fault – the perpetrator
sees it as not their fault. In
any argument the arrogant, all wise, and knowing partner, simply reduces
their victim to affirming their LUUUV and promising not to be so silly
in the future.
Controllers in a relationship are
habitually like this. To my mind, there is no hope for the victim except
complete removal of themselves from the relationship. Because of the
LUUUV factor many people live in such a situation their whole lives, not
realising how abnormal it is. The constant pumping of adrenalin and
fear hormones into their bodies can cause very significant health
problems. It is often only when the victim falls into severe depression,
a sort of continuous traumatic shock syndrome, or is pushed into
psychosis, that they find themselves HAVING to face the problem.
controller then justifies his own strength and wisdom by his partner's
lack of it and so, to me, any reconciliation is doomed from the start.
The 'honeymoon' period gets shorter and shorter but there is no long
LUUUV means you are the one who is
living to serve your partner at all costs, even your own sense of
esteem, peace of mind and health. You are not sure quite what's wrong,
but some thing's not right and you are trying to make it right.
means you are growing together in a mutually supportive, comfortable
experience. Your partner does not make you feel anxious or jumpy. You
feel confident to simply be yourself, and they do too. You feel good
about yourself – most of the time.